


The Nose of the Pig

by littledust



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Fae & Fairies, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledust/pseuds/littledust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mabel enters Waddles in a truffle-finding contest. Unfortunately, what they find is the fairy realm, and now Mabel has to rescue Dipper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nose of the Pig

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mklutz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mklutz/gifts).



> Merry Yuletide, dear recipient! I absolutely adore Gravity Falls and it was really fun to play with your prompts!

"Checkin' the mail, checkin' the mail, won't go to jail if I check my own mail!"

Mabel always liked to approach the mailbox with a jaunty tune, just in case anything was hiding in it. That one time with Dipper and an angry ghost bee was enough to leave them all a little cautious and Dipper twitching nervously whenever anything buzzed too close to his hands.

Nothing supernatural leapt out when she opened the box, so Mabel took out the mail and began flipping through on the way back to the Mystery Shack. "Postcard from Mom and Dad, bills for Grunkle Stan, _Nerds Monthly_ for Dipper, _Pizzas Monthly_ for Soos, credit card offers..."

Behind the three credit card offers, one addressed to Ms. Soos Sousa, was a pink flyer. Mabel pulled it out of the stack and let out a little shriek of joy.

"What? Mabel? Is it another monster?!"

"My hearing aid just shorted out!"

"Are we out of bread for sandwiches? Because I can make one with just the meat!"

Judging by the others' reactions, Mabel's shriek of joy tilted more toward the "enormous" end of the scale. But there was no time for guilt with such exciting news! Mabel ran through the entrance to the Mystery Shack, sliding to a halt in front of the bumper sticker display. "Dipper, Grunkle Stan, Soos! The North-West family is having a _truffle-finding contest!_ "

She paused expectantly. Dipper scratched his ear. Grunkle Stan scratched--well, actually, she didn't want to think about that. Soos smiled and said, "A chocolate-finding contest, huh? I like it."

"So do I! But this contest is about finding fancy truffle mushrooms!" Mabel waved the flyer around, in case they didn't get the point. "Waddles and I are going to win eternal glory and a hundred dollars!"

Stan perked up. "A hundred bucks? For some fungus?"

"Yeah, I know, rich people are weird." Mabel waved a dismissive hand. Just because Pacific North-West turned out to not be a hundred percent evil was no reason to assume she had _normal_ preteen girl interests, like Mabel. "So you're all going to help me train Waddles, right? The contest is in a week, which is just enough time for an 80's training montage!"

*

It turned out to be very difficult to run through an obstacle course while singing "Nose of the Pig," but Mabel did just fine. Her back-up singers left something to be desired, but at least they helped build the obstacle course.

"We got this, buddy," Mabel told Waddles the night before the contest. Waddles oinked in assent.

*

"I never knew there was so much fungus growing in the laundry room," Soos said. He picked a mushroom out of his pocket and chewed on it thoughtfully. "My tongue feels funny."

"You probably shouldn't eat those," Mabel said. She picked up Waddles, who gave a delighted squeal. "Who's the greatest truffle pig in the world? Who's ready to win the contest?" He squealed again, as if to say, _We're going to win! I'll be the Truffle King and you will rule alongside me as the Truffle Queen!_

Mabel hugged him closer. "You say the sweetest things."

"Hey, Mabel?" Dipper tapped her on the shoulder. "They fired the starting gun like five minutes ago. Everyone else is in the woods. Did you know that dogs can be trained to find truffles? Also, why are there so many people in Gravity Falls who have truffle-hunting dogs?"

"But they don't have truffle-hunting pigs! Waddles, onwards toward glory!"

Waddles sprinted into the woods at top speed, unintimidated by the strange shadows just under the trees. For all the terrifying things Mabel had experienced in those woods, plenty other fun things had happened too, so she ran as fast as she could.

"Wow, he must smell something good!" Dipper shouted to Mabel as they followed. Behind them, they could hear Soos and Stan trying to keep up. "I've only seen him move that fast for food!"

"Let's hope he doesn't eat the truffles first!"

Waddles led them deeper into the woods. The barking of the truffle dogs faded away until all Mabel could hear was running feet, cawing birds, and the burning of her own ambition. Soon she would be Truffle Queen! Maybe she could use the hundred dollars to buy a crown not made of mushrooms. She thought mushrooms were kind of rubbery and gross. Waddles ate a lot of gross things, including old socks. But he'd never eaten one of her sweaters. She should knit him a sweater with a crown on it, and then she could have a matching one, and Waddles could be her date to the red carpet dinner when they made a movie about their lives, and--

Mabel tripped over a root.

"Ow," she groaned, sitting up and rubbing her knee. She had tripped right before a small opening in the trees, where sunlight streamed down on a small ring of mushrooms. The air around them was preternaturally still, unbroken by calling birds or sighing wind. Waddles was nowhere to be seen.

"Score!" Mabel shouted, pumping her fists in the air. "Where are you, Waddles?"

Dipper ran up to her, panting. "Are these the truffles?" He stepped forward, into the sunlight.

There was a flash of blue-white light, like lightning on a clear day. A man stood in the clearing: impossibly tall, long-haired, long-limbed, and clad in deep blue clothes that emitted a soft, shimmering light. "Trespasser, King Oberon has you now," the man said, voice echoing in the still air. He picked up Dipper and both of them vanished.

"Dipper?" Mabel asked. Her voice sounded small and alone in the clearing. "Where are you?"

*

Despite her experience as an adventuress, Mabel spent a few minutes sitting beside the clearing, rubbing her knee and pretending she was crying about that, not Dipper's disappearance. Scraped knees healed. Missing brothers might not be found. Mabel dried her tears on the sleeve of her sweater, but more kept coming.

Waddles chose this moment to make his reappearance, nuzzling at her face and oinking softly. "You're right," Mabel said. A reprise of "Nose of the Pig" played over her determined expression, or at least she hummed it. "Time to call in the troops."

They ran. Mabel tied pieces of yarn pulled out of her sweater around the trees, marking their way.

"You guys! A super handsome guy took Dipper! He said his name was King Oberon and his ears were pointed and I think he's probably something evil!" Mabel cried out when she finally reached Soos and Stan, who had stopped right on the edge of the woods.

Stan sighed without apparent surprise. "Not evil. King Oberon is just set in his ways. And he loves gold. We actually have a lot in common. Except I'm not the king of the fairies and I don't hang out in fairy rings."

"Dude, how can we rescue Dipper?" Soos asked. "I heard that if you eat or drink anything a fairy makes, you belong to the fairy forever. That's why I always carry my own food." He pulled a foot-long sub from his pocket and began to eat it. "Linty, but still delicious."

Mabel paced the ground. "Somehow I have to overcome my love of sparkly guys and save him! Waddles, what would you do?"

Waddles oinked and took a bit of Soos's sandwich. Soos shrugged, broke off half, and fed the rest to Waddles. Soos was a good guy. "Maybe the journal will have some ideas," Mabel said, rubbing her chin the way detectives did on TV. "I've never seen a page about fairies before, but sometimes those pages only turn up when you need them."

"Great, problem's solved," Stan said, turning around and heading back towards the Mystery Shack. "Let me know when you kids want dinner. Just kidding! I want dinner on the table at six, because I'm old and fall asleep by seven!"

"Thanks for all your help, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel called.

She and Soos (and Waddles, but he had to be kept away from the book so he didn't chew on the pages) also went back to the Mystery Shack to pore over the journal by blacklight. There was a page about unicorns that Mabel would have to return to at a later date, but nothing about fairies. The gnomes (shudder) were as close as the journal got to mentioning fairies.

"Ugh! How are we supposed to get Dipper back without any help?" Mabel cried, throwing up her hands. "They're not going to let him go until he's old and wrinkly and then we won't be twins anymore! You can't be twins if you're different ages!"

Mabel sniffled. A tear rolled down her cheek and splashed on the floor. Waddles nuzzled against her leg, oinking sadly.

Soos put a hand on her shoulder and said, "We'll think of somethin'. Hey, did you want a look at this page that fell out of the journal? Looks like a credit card offer addressed to Mr. King Oberon--"

"Gimme!" Mabel held the blacklight over the letter. Scribbled over it was the following words, in familiar authorial handwriting:

_The fairies are separate creatures from the various monsters and demons that haunt the night. They have their own realm, ruled by Oberon and Titania. They are a proud, clever race, fond of riddles and pranks. But they do not understand humanity, for they lack compassion and empathy. Their only true love is gold. Every now and again, they will keep a mortal that stumbles through a gateway to their domain. The only way to rescue such a person is to offer something of equal value. Even then, they will try to trick their way out of it._

"Where are we gonna find something of equal value?" Soos asked. "Dipper's gotta be worth twenty bucks at least. No, fifty. Is fifty enough to buy a person? We should ask Stan."

"We're not paying for Dipper." Mabel glared off in the direction she suspected led toward the fairy realm, which was slightly to the left of her latest poster from _Preteen Beatz_. "Fairies like riddles? Well, they're in luck, because I eat a lot of popsicles with jokes on the sticks. Let's roll, people!"

" _It's the nose of the pig, it's the thrill of the chase, sniffin' out all the best truffles!_ " Soos sang out. He really was a good guy.

*

The moon was out as Mabel, Soos, and Waddles returned to the scene of the crime. Mabel refused to be scared. Her teeth were chattering because it was cold. In July. Freezing cold, yes indeed. Actually, she was still wearing a half-unraveled sweater, so she was a little cold, come to think of it. And she and Soos and Waddles had just spent a whole afternoon eating popsicles.

"Hey, fairies! If you think you can have my brother, you're Obe- _wrong_!" Mabel marched into the fairy ring, head held high. "Come and get me!"

There was a dazzling flash of light once more. Mabel blinked. When her eyes cleared, she was standing in the middle of a throne room so large even her blink echoed. An enormous chandelier hung from the ceiling. On her left were beautiful fairies examining coins from a heaping mound of treasure. On her right was an enormous buffet table, where fairies ate off golden plates and sipped from jewel-encrusted goblets. The amount of sparkle was overwhelming.

"So... pretty..." Mabel said. Her eye twitched. Why was she here, again? Right, Dipper. But long-haired man! And another one! And that one had really tight pants!

"Terrible punning mortal, please stop ogling my brethren."

Mabel turned, laughing nervously. "Ogling? Who said anything about ogling?"

The fairy woman asking the question was tall, taller than everyone save for King Oberon. Her silver hair flowed from her head in long, elegant waves, and her golden eyes had slits for pupils, like a cat's. Her smile was feline as well, smug and teeth-baring. Her canine teeth (feline teeth?) were sharp.

Dipper was at her side, squatting on all fours like some kind of pet. The shimmering leash around his neck completed the impression.

"I am Titania, Queen of the Fairies," the fairy woman said. She drew her teeth back into a snarl. "How dare you come into our realm and demand the gift my king has given me? This mortal boy is now my pet and--what are you doing? Hey!"

Mabel looked up from petting the queen's hair. "I know you're a fairy and everything, but between the teeth and the eyes and the cute widdle pointed ears, you're just a big kitty! Who wants a belly rub?"

Oberon chose that moment to appear at his queen's side. He dropped to the floor and rolled over onto his back, limbs in the air. "Ooh, me!"

Mabel shrugged. "Guy knows what he likes, I guess." She knelt and began rubbing his belly, scratching behind his ear for good measure.

Behind him, Titania closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh. "It is possible that the king of the fairy realm is an imbecile. Since he is indisposed, I will tell you our law: the mortal boy is a trespasser, and therefore belongs only to those who can hold him. Should you try to steal him away, you may find it--difficult."

Mabel leapt to her feet, fists clenched at her sides. "You can tempt me all you like with your sparkling guys and your amazing snack platters! Dipper is my brother and I'm not leaving unless it's with him!"

"Very well." Titania held out the end of the leash, feline grin back on her face. "Hold him, if you can."

The leash felt cool and dry in Mabel's hands, like snakeskin. Then the thing at the end of the leash wasn't Dipper anymore.

"Oh man, giant cockroach!" Mabel yelled, jumping up and down. The bug hissed at her. "Giant hissing cockroach! Please go back to being Dipper!" The cockroach gave a weird shiver all over and transformed into an oozing giant slug. "Gross! Why is everything gross?! Why can't you be a cute bug like a caterpillar?"

Maybe Dipper heard her complaint, because his next transformation wasn't a member of the insect family at all. Instead, he turned into a rhinoceros.

And started to run.

"I get to pick the movies for the next _hundred years!_ " Mabel shrieked, clinging to the leash as Dipper the rhinoceros plowed through the buffet table, sending food and crockery flying. "Hey! No! Don't eat that, you'll have to stay here forever!"

Dipper's only response was to become a salmon and flop sadly on the floor.

"I can deal with a fish for a brother! I'll get Mermando to translate!" Mabel declared, and began to march home (or at least away from the thrones set up at the end of the room), dragging the twitching Dipper salmon behind her by the leash.

Titania elbowed Oberon, who said, "Oh, right," and made a gesture with his hand.

The rope in Mabel's hand twitched.

"S-s-s-!" Mabel tried to yell, but sheer terror froze her mouth in place. The snake in her hands hissed back at her, rearing back to strike with its enormous fangs. Mabel squeezed her eyes shut. Dipper would hold on, even if fairies turned Mabel into a giant, flesh-eating worm. He would never leave her at the mercy of a magical creature, no matter how sparkling or beautiful. She clung tighter to the snake, preparing for the eventual bite.

"...Mabel? Where are we?"

Dipper yelped when Mabel threw her arms around him, then began making sad little gurgling noises when she didn't let go. "You're you again!" Mabel cried. "I thought I lost you to the fairies forever! And can you believe Waddles didn't win the truffle-finding contest? The prize went to some _dog_ who probably didn't even want the truffles, or the hundred bucks, and--Hey, why are you pointing?"

Mabel finally let go of her brother to look behind her. Titania and Oberon were stalking towards them, eyes narrowed and fists clenched. Well, nuts to them! Mabel had just rescued her brother and was still riding out the sugar high of twenty popsicles!

"Hey! Fairies!" she shouted. "What kind of band plays snappy music? A rubber band!"

Dipper heaved a sigh. "We're going to die and the last thing I'm going to hear is your awful popsicle jokes. Is that why your tongue is purple?"

Oberon and Titania, however, had stopped dead in their tracks to clutch their pointy ears. "Why did you make bad jokes the key?" Titania shouted at Oberon. "Why would you make our weak point one of the keys to our realm? Are you _trying_ to destroy us?"

Mabel seized Dipper's hand and started backing towards the hallway. Apparently fairies liked _good_ riddles and jokes. "Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?" she called. "At the meat ball!"

"You know, I might want to stay with the fairies," Dipper said.

"You better be kidding," Mabel said, pulling her brother through the glowing, pun-induced portal that appeared in the entranceway.

*

Grunkle Stan, in a rare display of what might possibly be affection if someone paid him a whole lot of money to admit it was, had ordered pizza instead of demanding that his niece and nephew make him dinner. "And he even tipped the guy," Soos confided in them.

"I did not!" Stan shouted, crossing his arms. "The ten dollar bill fell out of my pocket! It would have been weird to ask for it back!"

Waddles broke up the tension with a contented oink/belch. They'd ended up with an extra pizza after Waddles broke into the delivery car and stolen the pizza topped with mushrooms. Waddles and Soos were the only ones willing to eat it.

"In a way, we all won our own truffle-finding contests," Mabel said, petting Waddles. "You two found extra pizza, Dipper found the fairy realm, I found Dipper, Grunkle Stan found his heart…"

"I did not!"

"That reminds me!" Mabel grinned. "What do pigs and ink have in common? They both belong in a pen!"


End file.
